“Your love for your baby will always be with you. They will become part of the fabric of your family. Like a gold thread that reminds you of how precious life is."

Frances - Samuel's mum

Samuel was stillborn at 27 weeks. He waved to us in utero on a scan the day before he died, surprising doctors because the cerebral cortex in his brain was reduced, possibly from a chromosomal disorder, and babies with this impairment typically have their hands in closed fists. He was to be the first brother for our older son Josh and was much anticipated by our three children. We thought he would complete our family and for Josh, Samuel would be the younger brother he had always wanted.

I didn’t really give myself time to grieve after our loss. I felt disconnected and threw myself back into part-time work, and put my two-year-old in daycare. I ignored the gnawing sense of loss and I didn’t really speak about it to anyone. I just got on with things. It was my kids that helped me grieve, with their attachment to our Sammy Bear (who represented our lost child), and with the insistence of our youngest daughter that we acknowledge Samuel’s birthday every year, just a week before her own birthday.

I made a beautiful funeral to celebrate the life of Samuel, with a slideshow, a eulogy, songs, a poem, a beautiful booklet and a graveside service. I didn’t cry during the whole thing, I was so intent on making it perfect for him. It was the only thing I could do for him. I did come back to the graveside that afternoon, when it was all done, alone, and then cried. I found comfort in my faith, in the acceptance that this was maybe the best journey for our son, even though it was so hard for us.

At the time of my loss, I didn’t think I needed counselling. I did have support of my church family, and friends who also experienced losses at the same time.

While our loss was 17 years ago, I have only recently connected with Red Nose. Living in a small rural town, we were surrounded by friends and church family after our loss. We were blessed to have people with recent and previous losses that reached out and supported us at that time.  This made me realise the importance of connection with others. Red Nose provides this for people who don’t have it in their immediate circle.

Red Nose has given me a place to revisit my loss and join with us in celebrating the life of our stillborn son and commemorate our love for him.

Encouraging Australians to get behind Say Their Name Day

I think Say Their Name Day is a beautiful idea. So many people hide their pain and loss, or may even feel guilt or shame, wondering if they did something to cause their baby not to be healthy.  But saying their name acknowledges their precious life, no matter how brief, and their value to us as a family and community.

Your love for your baby will always be with you. They will become part of the fabric of your family. Like a gold thread that reminds you of how precious life is.

Remembering Samuel

We lovingly cuddle ‘Sammy Bear’ and several smaller teddy bears that were given to the older children at the time of Samuel’s passing. Holding these sometimes helps us when we are missing Samuel. We also sometimes visit his grave, take flowers and just spend time together there, taking photos of him with our family.

New journey – our rainbow baby Caleb

In 2013, I gave birth to Caleb, our rainbow baby. It was very different to our first three pregnancies as we were more anxious and so were the medical professionals. We had more frequent and detailed scans and were told we could not birth locally but had to go to a larger hospital with special care facilities - despite no evidence of any problems on the scans. We were very grateful for Caleb’s life, but did not really relax and smile until we had him in our arms.

Our three older children loved Caleb from the moment they met him, none more than Josh who finally had the little brother he had always wanted to mentor and buddy. Libby was amazing at settling him as a baby and Bethany (then 7-8) was his best playmate.

However, Caleb’s birth never felt like a replacement for Samuel, and as soon as he was old enough to understand, he was told about his other big brother, Samuel, in heaven. Our final baby, Esther, now 8, always tells people proudly there are 6 children in our family - three girls and three boys.

 Make a donation to help us support grieving families

Say Their Name Day is on March 25 – a special day to remember all of the little lives we have loved and lost, and support bereaved families.