'Your wings were ready but my heart was not.'
Nikki - Crystal-Lee's mum
Crystal-Lee would have been thirty in a couple of years’ time. She only lived for under thirty minutes.
Born at 24 weeks, looking exactly like her Dad, we were told by the hospital that there wasn’t a lot they could do. They did outline what could happen if they kept her alive. I had just given birth and was not in a state to make any decisions. But it was decided to let her go in peace.
Crystal-Lee died in June. And it was all about Red Nose at that time of year, so I knew to reach out. I didn’t really ask for support. I thought I was fine. I wish I could have let myself reach out more. Or even worked to support other people. I wanted to help other women who had lost their babies, but at the time, I just didn’t know how.
My husband and I did separate, but we did have two other beautiful children. And I am excited to say, I also have one beautiful granddaughter who is currently five months.
Every year I celebrate Crystal-Lee’s birthday. I visit her at the cemetery. I also put up a Christmas bauble each year and have a name candle and a Cross next to it.
I also have special tattoos to acknowledge Crystal-Lee.
My left arm has a clock with her birth time displayed. For her 21st birthday I added a key. I also have her footprints alongside a poem. Sadly, I also lost a niece, so I have a massive angel wing on my back with two little girls going to heaven with the words:
“Your wings were ready but my heart was not.”
For anyone going through something similar, please get help. Without it, it doesn’t get easier. There is a community of people going through similar things and talking about it really does help.
Say Their Name Day is on March 25 – a special day to remember all of the little lives we have loved and lost, and support bereaved families.
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