"Losing a baby makes you feel so alone in your grief, particularly in the early stages when you don’t have the strength to talk about your suffering. But by people sharing their stories, it can help others find the inner strength to share their stories too."
Samantha - Finn's Mum
For my husband Mark and I, Finn was to be our rainbow baby as we had a miscarriage the year prior. We nicknamed him ‘Sunshine’ very early in the pregnancy because he brought so much sunshine and happiness into our lives. Both of us were excited and Mark was already devoted to Finn. I had a relatively easy pregnancy without any complications.
Then one day, late in my pregnancy, everything changed. At 38 weeks we learned the devastating news that Finn’s heart had stopped beating. I gave birth to Finn on 5th August 2021, stillborn, at 38 weeks and 4 days.
After he was born, some people didn’t know what to say. Finding the right words to express after the death of a baby can be really challenging. All we needed to hear were sentiments like “I’m here for you”. Simple words like that are sometimes more powerful than we realise during times of heartache. There is no way to make this situation better but knowing that we had the love and support of family and friends during this time has really helped us through these dark days.
Our loss is an extremely isolating experience. I also had a few friends who were due to have their babies around the same time as Finn. Whilst I am so happy for them and relieved their babies came into the world safely, they will be constant reminders of the beautiful milestones we are missing out on; beginning to walk and talk, his first birthday and his first day of school. These reminders are excruciating but I can’t avoid them.
We were able to get an answer about why we lost Finn. This has helped reassure us that it wasn’t something that I did or didn’t do during the pregnancy that contributed, but it hasn’t lessened the pain of him not being here. We are still in a deep state of grief, navigating our way through it all, trying to find some peace. Some days are easier than others but I’ve learned that grief is not a linear structure. It is immeasurable and inconsistent.
I had spoken with a Sands peer supporter after my first miscarriage and I got in touch with Sands again after losing Finn. Both support people with who I spoke with, were compassionate and empathetic. It meant so much to be able to talk to someone who knew exactly how I was feeling, having gone through similar experiences.
Mark always says that although Finn never took a breath, he is still our child. If anyone asks how many children we have, he will always be part of my answer. Just because a child has passed away, it doesn’t mean they don’t count as a child anymore. Talking about Finn and saying his name lets the world know he existed, and he still lives in our hearts and always will.
